Dear Sis’ Hubby,
I am so saddened by this chasm between us. I don’t even understand it.
I’ve heard a variety of things – mostly from Mum – and I’m trying to take all she says with a grain of salt because she can say something different at the drop of a dime.
But, when I saw you in Dad’s office about 2 years ago – James was a baby – I told you that I still loved you and I hoped things between us would be okay. You said they would be, but it would take time. It seems like things have gotten worse.
When I saw you recently I was surprised at what looked like an expression of hatred or extreme anger. I am so sorry that this situation is hurting you. You seem to be the one most affected by it all. I really didn’t want to involve anyone in my attempts to reconcile my broken relationship with Dad. That is why I took him to a third party counselor – and made sure the Christian counselor didn’t know Mum or Dad from their Anglican connections. And then Dad, as far as I can tell, presented you all with his story that I had “accused him”. I just wanted to talk about what went down when I was a kid.
This is a hurtful situation, and I can see that you’re hurting. And I can understand that no one wants to believe it. Its not my mission to convince the family that this happened (although it would’ve been nice to be believed). But, I never wanted any of you involved anyway. I wonder if I’d made that clear to Dad, maybe we could have worked out the relationship and forged ahead.
I wish that we could all have individual relationships that aren’t intertwined with my parents or the other siblings. I miss you. But, we’ve been strained for a long time too. Ever since that time when you and Sis had a rough patch, and I betrayed her confidence when I called from the walkway to the porch and said “you’re right Sis, you should just divorce him!” I am so sorry about that. That behaviour was unacceptable. Ironically, the tension between us that day had started when I got mad at you for talking badly about Dad in front of your kids. (the Bible says to honour your mother and father). (If that confuses you as to my relationship with my dad, it also says that love rejoices in truth).
Anyway, I’m not sure what you believe when it comes to God, but I know that God is bigger than me and has bigger plans than I could possibly understand and I know that God wanted me to shine light in the dark corners of my life so that Satan cannot get a foothold. I believe that there is such a thing as spiritual warfare and you can feel it when you are getting closer to God that you get a tug. I was told to shine light in the dark corners of my life and that’s what I did. There is no more hiding or pretending. You’ve heard that ‘the truth shall set you free’. And I know that I’ve paid a price for this “freedom”. Among other things I’ve lost my two beloved nephews. I love them so much! But, I still have walked the path that God wants me to. In the book of Job (in the Bible) Job loses everything, but he still stands as a child of God. And Moses walked through the desert (a 7 day journey) for 40 years to make it to the Promised Land. But he never got there. He only was shown it from up on a mountain, but he never stepped foot there. He died before he could(he had disobeyed God and that was the consequence).
Anyway, if you look for Jesus, if you search Him out, you will find him waiting, knocking. I don’t know why I feel inspired to tell you all this.
I do want to tell you that I didn’t set out to hurt anybody. I set out only to get back a relationship that had gone awry. I hope you can see that. And I tried not to do it publicly, for Dad’s sake. (The honour your parents part).
Back at Gran’ma’s funeral I shared “the Peace” with you. For me that felt momentous, that we were regaining peace between us. I think that might have been one sided. I ask for your forgiveness, not only for me, but for Sis’s sake too.
You have three beautiful nephews here that I bet you’d fall in love with if you gave yourself the chance. And I know Sis loves them. And it’s hurting her not to see them. Mum has been telling me that you won’t let Sis see me and the kids because she’s been hurt too much. I’m not sure what she’s been hurt with, but I know she’s hurting now. I have never intentionally hurt Sis. I’ve seen her hurt incidentally by my behaviour, for instance; after mum and dad came to the weekend retreat I was on after I asked them not to come, I needed a break from them and wanted to try and establish some boundaries so I told them I would call them when I was ready, and Sis pushed me to talk to them b/c mum kept bugging her. I wouldn’t give in to Sis and she got upset and told me her boundary was not to see me. (not really a boundary, but I didn’t see her anyway – for a really long time, and then all this with Dad came barreling down). Anyway, I’m sorry she got hurt there, but it wasn’t, and isn’t her issue. It was, and is now too, an issue, and another issue only between Dad and I. She, nor anyone but Dad and I can fix the issues between Dad and I.
Sis’ Hubby I’ve been very fond of you. I was about Matthew’s age when I met you. I think you’ve been the sanest person in our family. I would like to have a pleasant relationship with you and Sis. You don’t even really know Dan, and he’s a great guy. And it would be nice if we all had a future of compatibility together. And if that’s not possible, than at least I hope we can have the generation below us not paying the price of our adult issues.
I tried to call you before Halloween, after Sis had given permission, to see if it was okay with you that I take the kids trick-or-treating to your house. My phone number was blocked. It just seems all so extreme. And the little bit I’ve seen of Sis shows me that she is really hurting in this situation. So, I understand your desire to protect your family, but I’d like to talk to you about why you think my family is a threat to yours. If the goal is to not hurt Sis, then, its not working, and lets change something.
I feel like I’m just taking shots in the dark. No one has ever told me what’s going on… its just sort of come to pass that I can’t see your kids/my nephews or my sister, and you haven’t wanted to meet your nephews. Can you imagine if you couldn’t see Mel? Its really hard. I think of them daily. Literally.
Sis’ Hubby, I’d like to do whatever it takes to fix this between us. You’ve been like a brother to me (it seems so long ago that you were that to me). I’d like to ask that we have a relationship, your family members and my family members that is individual, not having to encompass whatever may be going on in relationships with other family members.
Maybe even, just for now, we could start with allowing the kids, yours and mine, to see their Aunts and Uncles. We don’t have to start hanging out. I’d be happy just dropping off the kids for a visit if Sis wanted to see them (I’d need the ability to reach you by phone again). And I really hope that you will allow Andrew and Matthew to see us again, especially now that we’ve got cousins for them.
Can we get together for a coffee to discuss? Or would you want to go to a counselor? We could have Sis and Dan with us, no kids. I hope to move forward with you.
Peace of Christ, love Lala
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