December 6th, 2007
Dear Derek and Lala, (and everyone else in the cc’d file!)
- March 10, 2009
- Dear Sis,
Thank you for having written this letter. I appreciate all of your intentions outlined herein. Ironically, and seemingly to send me a message, On this past Dec. 6th, a year after you’d started writing this, James found the print out, that I apparently still had, that I’d made of this letter (I’d wanted to read it in my hands when I got it) and brought it to me while I was still in bed that morning. It seemed like a sign that I should read it again and respond. I’m sorry its taken me so long to respond. I didn’t reply at first b/c I didn’t think of anything to say. I heard what you said, and agreed with what you said, there didn’t seem to be anything to say from my part. I felt like the ball wasn’t in my court. Since it’s been over a year since you’ve sent this letter, and probably forget the details, I’ll respond within the body of the letter. I’ll bold and italicize my words.
As the oldest of the three siblings I feel that it is my responsibility to write this letter, I do so with a very heavy heart. Our family has fallen apart, through no one in particulars fault. This letter is not meant to lay blame at anyone’s doorstep, it is prayerfully meant to be the first step in what I see as a very long healing process. I’m not sure what has happened to that process. I had begun my greatest attempts at reconciliation with Dad and it blew up in my face. I did not reconcile with him, he pushed me away with lies, and I lost all of you too. For the longest time Dan and I thought that we just needed to ignore all of the noise that was coming from other people in the family (everyone bringing up to me seemingly every grudge they’d ever held) and just focus on where God had led me – which was my relationship with Dad, and my call to shine light in the dark corners and not hide this secret anymore between us. (see John 3:19-21 and Eph. 5:11-14). Because it was increasingly impossible to have a relationship with Dad with this huge secret between us that we kept ignoring – even after we spoke of it (especially after we’d spoken of it). And there were so many things that Mum just didn’t understand b/c she didn’t understand the nature of the baggage between Dad and I. I’m sort of at a loss here too, I truly thought that if God led me to that place to finally talk to Dad about it, that it would lead to an easy reconciliation between us. I’ve since heard some great sermons (by Dr. Charles Stanley) that deal with this misconception I had. Actually, God’s purposes can be hidden from us. We just need to follow His guidance and leave the results up to him. I’m hoping that even if I never reconcile with Dad that he will at least stand in truth before God before he dies. I believe that Jesus would want us to do our level best to bring our family back together. I know that a lot has been said and done and there are many wounded hearts and minds. I don’t know what Jesus would want beyond following God’s will for our lives. (that’s a simplistic statement, please don’t analyze it too much – of course I could write an essay on what Jesus wants for our lives, I’m just speaking to the point. And also, when in relationship with God, we can ask what DOES he want, not what would he want, what God wants for our lives is fluid and personal and can’t be put in a box or made assumptions about, sometimes God wants things for our lives that don’t necessarily make sense to us at the time – Just like God leading Moses through the desert for 40 years to find the promised land only to take his life without letting him enter the land, only letting him see it. One might think that obviously God wanted Moses to lead his people right into the promised land,, but that’s not what happened ). I know with all of my being that I was called to the difficult task of approaching Dad with my desire to talk about the past and then move on into the future, reconciled through truth. I believe that God is saddened by the state of our family. However, I can say that the part I am most saddened about is the loss of relationship with you and your family. (I’m also sad about Dad but feel at peace with that part of the situation because it is very much in God’s hands and I feel very much in Gods will. I believe that I did what God wants, and as difficult as it is, the results are in Gods hands not mine.) You and I have had a rocky relationship our whole lives. I know that even as we were children things were difficult. And I understand that it wasn’t easy for you having a little sister who tagged along w/ you and who snooped in your makeup and that it wasn’t easy having to be a babysitter for me so often. But, since then things also haven’t gone smoothly. I have been mad at you numerous times and lost trust in you on numerous occasions, and yet I still desire a relationship for some reason. And I know if we did ever start a relationship again, I would be very guarded. I can’t tell you how hard it is that you have pulled away from me. How much it hurt to go through my first pregnancy and not to be able to talk to my big sister about all of the crazy pregnancy symptoms I was having to see if you’d had them too. To see you on the street at the Blackburn garage sale when I was pregnant w/ James and trying to show you my baby purchases and have you dismiss me. How hard it is to know how much you like children, and yet my lovely little boy has no idea who you are, even though you are just 5 minutes away. How hard it is to be pregnant with twins and know that they also won’t have an aunt nearby. To know that at some point I am going to have to explain to them why they’ve never met their Aunt Sis. I don’t know the answer. I can’t say “Because mummy was sexually abused by her Dad and the family found it too difficult to accept, so they sided with him and disowned me”. And, If we do happen to start a relationship again, I think it will be best to keep our relationship separate from the family and just not even talk about other family members.
My struggles have been eating away at my soul. I have to stop this or have another breakdown, which I refuse to do. I’m not really sure I understand what aspect was eating away at your soul. I didn’t know you had a breakdown. I hope that you are doing better. I am as much at fault as is any other member of our family. I ask that before you respond to this letter that you invoke the 24hour rule and prayerfully consider what will come from your lips and heart before you reply.
Our family has been dysfunctional prior to Lala’s announcement. Agreed – whole heartedly! (Except it was Dad’s “announcement”, I spoke privately to Dad and never meant it to go beyond him and me). All of these hurts need to be addressed, forgiven and then hopefully the healing process can commence. I don’t expect this to be an easy task given that Derek, you are so far away. I think that we need to heal the ‘Thurlows’ and that the rest will come. We have been a family of a whole lot of secrets and aches and pains, and we haven’t been terribly open with the people who should matter the most. I think that we need to learn to cope together as a family so that we can deal with the big issues that tear families apart. I’m not sure that’s possible. I think that we are a family of individual relationships within the whole and that we can each only deal with one relationship at a time. I have seen time and again in this family a tendency to gossip, triangulate, (or whatever you want to call it) amongst ourselves and it is always only more damaging. For example, I don’t think anyone but Dad and I can heal the relationship between Dad and I. I don’t think that anyone other than you and I can heal the relationship between you and I. And I certainly have no insight into the relationships between you and Mum or you and Dad or Derek. I don’t think other family members putting their ‘2 cents’ into the issues between other family members is helpful in the least, especially when the 2 cents is given in the presence of only one of the two people. Along the same line, I think its just gossip and not helpful to the family when members talk about an incident with people other than the person involved. I’ve seen too many times that people in the family take sides based on only one person’s skewed account of an incident. (the other party may not even know the incident has gone “public” to the family).
I don’t feel that the counsellor Lala and Dad saw should be involved anymore. I also feel that we should seek out someone other than Sis Christie-Sealy. Lala was told by Dr. Sealy that she felt that Dad did commit this abuse against Lala and that they weren’t to share that information with Dad because Dr. Sealy felt that Dad would not come back to counselling. Well, even for the untrained like me this really is a no brainer. I disagreed with her keeping her opinion secret, but I have to say, at least she was someone that Mum and Dad trusted and liked, and at least she was a step on the path to reconciliation between Dad and I, because he was at least seeking counselling in relation to this issue. She heard their story first – for months. She saw them before I approached Dad with my counsellor and she had a frame of reference for Dad’s relationship towards me before this all came out to the rest of you. She had told me she couldn’t understand his feelings towards me, and when I told her about the abuse she said “ahhh, that makes sense!”. So, I regret telling you what she had told me. ( I don’t blame you for telling Mum and Dad, you did what you thought was right, its my fault that I gave information that I didn’t want passed around.) She turned out to have a valid point though. That he is so encased in walls and defensiveness that if she told him she thought he’d done it that he would not go back to counselling. As we can see, she was right. They went from singing her praises to not seeing her anymore after this letter. (and every counsellor is a person and will have an opinion as to the truth). As for my relationship with you, I, or Dan and I, would be happy to go to counselling with you, or with Sis’ Hubby and you.
I can hear all of you asking me...’why this?’ and ‘why now?’ To be honest, I don’t know why exactly. I feel that God wants us to be a family; we now have 7 nieces/nephews/grandchildren, 2 dogs, a guinea pig and countless fish between us. What kind of an example are we setting for them? That is what I keep wondering. And there is nothing I can do about it. My hands are tied. I am trying my best to continue to show love to Mark and Luke even though I’ve been cut off from them. And yet I also want to show them that I’m respecting their parents’ decision that they aren’t allowed to see me. I’m doing my best to be a good example to them in what is, for me, a crappy, unfair situation. And in the process I miss them with all my heart. It kills me to have this much time pass and know that they are drifting away and that they are changing and I don’t know who they are. And that they will forget who I am and who Dan is, and that they don’t know James, and that they won’t see their new cousins. Its been 2+ years.. and my heart aches over them. I think that these children deserve to have more than just the families that we married into. We didn’t have grandparents on Dad’s side and I was incredibly close to my Grandma, and Auntie Margaret is important to me too. I want my children to know this kind of relationship. I want to be closer to all of my nieces and nephews. I suck as an auntie and that should be one of my more important responsibilities in life. This is a personal wake up call for me, I can be a better auntie, and sister than I have before. I have an amazing relationship with my niece Mallory and I love that she comes to me when she has big problems or even just for a hug. I have known her for her entire life, she is so important to me. I want that with your children as well. I’m not sure what happened to that. Sad though.
December 7th, 2007
I have a fifteen year old son now. I don’t know where the time has gone, he is tall and handsome, incredibly intelligent, he loves basketball, he loves his family, God is important to him, he spent 3 weeks away from home this summer at a Christian camp called Camp IAWAH (In all ways acknowledge him) – his first time away from home. He will be able to drive next year, his room is painted in blue with a huge Detroit Pistons logo on one wall, and he saved up his own money to buy a PS3, he is back at the terrible two stage...I just found out that the brain of a teenage male has the same waves as that of a clinically insane person. I love him, he is caring, honest, hard working, loving, and he does so much for others, he volunteers his time too! There will be a woman out there for him soon, to love and to cherish and really care about...I suspect one day even a wedding and then for you this means becoming a great-aunt or great-uncle like Auntie Margaret. I want YOU to be as important to Mark as Grandma and Auntie Margaret are to us. I’m not sure what happened to that. VERY, very sad. I want that too.
My second son is my challenge child. He is inquisitive, smart, caring, loving, he is very respectful of his elders. He loves to volunteer his time, he loves to read mysteries, he loves his game boy but his passion is the outdoors, and he has a keen love of animals and cares for the wounded ones. He loves to cuddle and be cuddled, he loves to pray, he loves reading his bible with me, and he has a very deep spirituality that not too many people see because he is so much like his dad and has a very hard exterior with a very soft interior. He loves to try something new but can be very apprehensive. He loves basketball and has made the competitive team and is doing so well. He is very protective of me and jumps to my defence always! He is a wonderfully smart boy but learns differently from anyone I have ever met...He needs to touch, and to smell and to feel and to taste! Just last night something stuck on the bottom of his sock from the living room carpet, he stuck his finger on the sock and then into his mouth....don’t we all learn that way!!! I was grossed out, he thought it was hysterical...turns out it was maple syrup...no one knows how it got there!! He wants to be a veterinarian when he grows up, he tells me that when I have a problem with my pet he will make a house call! I want YOU to be important to Luke. With tear in my eyes, I’m not sure what happened to that. Very sad. I want that too.
Our parents are aging, they won’t be here forever. What happens to us if we aren’t a family? If our parents die is there anything holding us together? I still have amazing memories from going to my grandparent’s cottage, building forts out of lawn chairs, picking wild raspberries, smelling roses hand grown so beautifully by my grandfather so that my grandmother could paint them, I still have her pictures hanging in my house. I remember eating green beans right off the stalk and throwing the pods on the ground! I remember campfires down the first hill and roasting marshmallows and popping popcorn! I remember the last day that we swam in the lake when the cottage was sold; I had lost a toe nail and couldn’t swim for the very last time...I cried and I cried...do you remember the change to jingle in your jeans? Do you remember date balls yummm, the special Christmas table we had, do you remember when Derek misbehaved and Granddad took matters into his own hands, do you remember the fire place inscribed with 1965?!!
I want my children to have these memories, they remember Peter, James and Isabel Grace, and they have never met Mary Elizabeth or Daniel James. Until recently they weren’t even aware of Daniel James’ birth. I’m sad that I love children so much and that I have to seek out other people’s children to spoil and to love. This is where I have let my children down. As a mom, I have to stop this. I will do my best to follow scripture which in my case currently it is telling me to put God first, then my husband, then my children and that all else will fall in to place. I think the point here to remember is that God is first. That doesn’t just mean to honour him first, or think of him first in the morning. It means to read his word fervently so that you understand who he is and so that he can speak to you through His word. And then to listen to Him - through His word, through your heart, your prayers, and your God-given conscience. Its my understanding (perhaps mistakenly) from the last time we spoke together (with Derek here) that you are getting advice from people who are un-informed (b/c you haven’t told them the whole story,[trying to protect Dad – which I understand]) and that you have been advised that you need to obey your husband and keep yourself and your kids away from me. If you are going to seek counsel from others, I ask you to seek advice in the situation from people who you can trust with all the details. But more, seek advice from scripture – not just random readings, but actually digging in deep and reading whole books. And, more, I ask you to spend as much time praying about it – a listening prayer as you have talking about it.
-- An aside: I found some great advice for listening prayers… sit and say/whisper/think “Come Lord Jesus” over and over again. Have the topic of interest in mind, and your question or need in mind, pray for guidance, but then just say your mantra slowly over and over again and allow all other thoughts to drift through… it might be something like this “come Lord Jesus… I want a hamburger later… Come Lord Jesus… my back hurts, can I really sit here for 15 minutes?.. Come Lord Jesus… I wonder where Sis’ Hubby is right now… Come Lord Jesus..” etc. your thoughts may drift but just let them pass through, don’t dwell or hold onto thoughts and eventually you can focus on just God and allow Him to speak to you. Ask that the thoughts that are His thoughts be made clear to you. I always visualize the issue and that I’m holding it up in front of me silently as I repeat “come Lord Jesus”).
I ask you, are you at peace with this? Do you have God’s peace with this decision to not have me in your life? Because if God is first, and you are doing God’s will, then you will have a peace about not seeing me and James. However, if God is speaking to your heart and your conscience and you are unsettled about it, then you may be putting your husband’s fallen human will above God’s will (as all human wills are fallen). And if that happened to be the case, then it would take you to speak truth through love to your husband about God’s will and your desire to follow God’s leading in the situation. I don’t know the answer to the question. I just need to ask it. I know for me, it does not seem like God’s will for me to keep James from you, nor does it seem, for my part, like God’s will that I not be in Mark and Luke’s life anymore. However, IF you truly believe you are following God’s will for your life by ostracizing us, then there will be no more to say.
April 13, 2009
Also, a word about the scripture in 1 Peter 3:1 to submit to your husband so that he will be won over without words when he sees the ”purity and reverence of your lives.” I’m not sure that ostracizing me and James is showing purity and reverence. We can read the whole 3rd chapter for more context of how Paul asks us to behave to live Godly lives. Things like It’s better to suffer for good than for evil, to be sympathetic, compassionate, loving, seek peace and pursue it (not quoting … just paraphrasing various bits). I mean, you blocked me from facebook, you’ve ignored emails – its not being even minimally polite, let alone does it seem very Godly (from my perspective). Now, I could be wrong. If, on your end, you’ve agreed not to see me or correspond with me or have any contact whatsoever with me, however you are doing things like praying aloud for us during your grace, speaking lovingly of us, reminding the family that we love them and they love us and you’re still keeping us in prayer – in other words being visibly loving towards me, as you also at the same time “submit to your husband”… then, maybe that’s different. And maybe that will win Sis’ Hubby over by your behaviour, him seeing that you are still loving me and being gentle towards me with your words and thoughts and yet are only not seeing me b/c of his desire for that. Maybe. It still doesn’t seem (to me) that dis-owning me is pure and reverent. (I’m not trying to attack you here, btw, and I understand this is difficult for you – I just want to clearly express my thoughts on all of this so that I’m being totally open and said what I’ve had to say so that regardless of the outcome, I can turn my mind to the imminent arrival of the twins). Or even if now its not Sis’ Hubby’s wishes, but your wishes b/c you perceive I’ve been to sinful to be with, then still the Godly response would be to pray for me and my sinful ways, but still be loving and not just erase me from your memories and reality.
I realize that we have all grown up and grown away, that we don’t all live within a quick drive of each other but are we not still a family just the same? I know that this is what Christ prepares us for as parents but still I very selfishly want for my children what I had. As well, I want to know so much more about my nieces and nephews.
March 11, 2009
James is now almost 18 months old. He is standing beside me right now stirring my water with a teaspoon and sipping spoonfuls of it. He is innately a very happy child. He loves dogs and says “doggie” whenever he sees one. He pats Kenzie and says ‘ny’ (nice). He loves to colour on his easel and is a very good little artist. We’re very proud of him and have his first watercolour – an abstract – framed (he made it for his Daddy on Valentines day). His favourite things are fans (‘wahh’), fish (‘wuh’ w/ the sign), dogs, balls, busses, toy cars, birds, and most recently – airplanes (‘ah-puh-laye’). After I showed him some airplanes on you tube, he’ll now look at the computer and say ‘ ah-puh-lays’. He likes to draw dogs, birds, fish, balls and airplanes. And we can kind of tell which scribble is which, and he can ‘cause he points to it and tells us what it is! He LOVES music. He likes singing w/ us, his favourites are “My God is so big” and “Wheels on the Bus”, and he claps for “if you’re happy and you know it”. He knows the sign for more, moon, mouse, stars, owie and many more. If he sees the moon or stars (real or pictured) he’s sure to tell us. If there are lots of stars he points to each one. He took the sign from “wheels on the bus go round and round” and uses that for other things that go round and round (fans, propellers, all wheels, anything that rolls) He likes books about babies, and he likes hugging and kissing my growing belly, although we’re not sure he really knows what he’s in for. He is independent and can play by himself for a long time, but he likes it when we sit down and play with him and his toys. He’ll grab your finger and lead you around. His Uncle Jon just taught him what a crow is, and now he can identify crows and says “caw!”. We think he’s very smart. He can already count to two! If the prayer before dinner goes to long he starts shouting “amen!” repeatedly. He’ll also sit at the table and shout ‘amen’ if dinner is late. He’s very curious but he’s pretty good about not getting into things he shouldn’t. He has the most beautiful laugh I’ve ever heard, and I get to hear it a lot, especially if I chase him or make faces or play tickle games (little piggies). He thinks knees are very funny. He drools massive amounts, he easily goes through 7 bibs a day, I’m not sure why – its not just teething. He chokes easily and we have to cut his food into very small pieces. I worry about this. He hasn’t worn his helmet since the summer. He has almost all his teeth. He just learned about butterfly kisses and Eskimo kisses, and loves them. He likes getting real kisses on his forehead. He is shy when he first meets someone but warms up quickly, especially if they get down on the ground and are willing to play.
April 13, 2009 More about James, he’s now 19 months old and can say SO many more words. He learns at least one new word a day – its incredible. He just copies everything we say. I showed him an oval and a pentagon today and he now identifies them. (he says ‘pet-a-gone’). His pronunciation is really cute. He greeted us this a.m. by saying “morning!”. He laughs when he sees my belly move and says “kick”. He loves playing w/ my belly, saying hello and bye bye to the babies and also taking his cars and driving them around the belly, letting them fall off the cliff. He’s started saying “no way!”. He loves to climb and to do flips. He likes Winnie the Pooh and hugs him and carries him around – which is hilarious b/c Pooh is the same size as him. He loved his egg hunt yesterday. Plastic eggs strewn all over the lawn. He picked them up and put them in his basket. We kept recycling them so he did it for about an hour w/ his little friend Julia.
May 7, 2009 – okay, last update and hopefully I’ll send the email before he hits 18. James is almost 20 months old and has grown so much in the last 2 months. He is talking like crazy. We can understand lots of what he says. He laughed the other day at something and said “funny” and then we all laughed and so he kept laughing to keep us laughing and kept saying funny. He’s got a great sense of humour. He loves dancing and cars and music and makes his bear go “ka-boom” on the bed just like Dan does to him. He likes his new room and might be starting to understand that the new babies will have the empty crib in the nursery. He reads aloud and likes to count. He comes into my bed in the morning and after he gets a new diaper he likes to cuddle up to me under the covers before his Daddy dresses him. He says “ug” (hug).
I want to be cherished and loved by them. When I grow old I want them to call me to see how my day was just sitting by my window in my bed or my wheelchair...I want to be important to someone who is just as important to me. July 7, 2009 And James would cherish you. I see him with Dan’s sisters (each sister, and his niece, spent time here to add up to 8 weeks of help for us.) and he just loves them to bit. And its sad for James that he doesn’t have the opportunity to have that relationship with the only Aunt who lives close.
December 10th, 2007
Well, this letter is taking me a very long time to write. (Ditto here! I keep reading it before I send it and end up editing more or wanting to clarify or add more… ) I guess I am trying to be careful not to hurt anyone but still try and get my point across and how I feel. I know that we have this huge elephant in the middle of all this and that we need to deal with it before we can go forward. I know the elephant is me and Dad. I still hope that he and I can be reconciled through truth and I pray for that. In this matter I am trying to be “joyful in hope, patient in tribulation, and constant in prayer” Rom. 12:12 I’m not sure why you think the elephant needs to be dealt with as a global ‘we’. The elephant is between me and Dad and no-one else. The issues between you and I are different. They may be about your and Sis’ Hubby’s reaction to the news of the elephant, but that reaction is different than the issue itself. Only Dad and I know the elephant. I think that we need to be cognisant of everyone’s feelings.
Should we not be seeking each other out? Please, help me, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to turn, I don’t know...I just don’t know. So many hurts so many lies, so many tears, so many years already lost...are we willing to lose more? I know that sounds melodramatic...I can even picture myself with the back of my hand to my forehead sighing!!! I don’t know either. As for seeking each other; I don’t think, personally, I should seek out anyone other than Dad about this elephant issue. And so far, I feel that I have only been sought out to try and convince me that this didn’t happen. Or to try and present ‘evidence’ that disputes the truth. Anything to incriminate me and try to ‘prove’ that I’m not telling the truth. I didn’t want you all involved in the first place… as far as my relationship with you is concerned, because that is why I’m writing this letter, I guess I just want to know officially where it stands. I feel at a loss. Have you dis-owned me? Should I just move on or am I waiting? Do I just forget about you and your family and pretend you are no longer there? Do I still keep hope for a relationship? Or are you going to be the sister my kids will never know I had? Or do I tell the kids about Auntie Sis so that you’re not a stranger when one day you show up. (And if you do show up in their lives, for goodness sake, please don’t pull out again. I don’t want them to feel that pain)
I ask God to give me strength to carry on, to soften my husband’s heart, to help us all to see the truth, to keep us together as a family and not divide us. I love my whole family, my out of this world husband, my 15 year old, soon to be driving son Mark, my baby who is almost 12 years old, Luke; my mom, my dad, my brother and his amazing wife and [Three children and the newest fourth] (who I have yet to kiss or cuddle), my sister and her incredible husband and the newest addition to our family DJ. He just gets “James” now. And the twins.
Please help me. I am lost and confused. I am very glad that I am only 10 days away from a very warm beach, no stress and some alone time with my little family of four.
I hope you can still close your eyes and return to that beach.
I guess all I have left to say is that I’m not sure why you’ve disappeared. It doesn’t seem like you want my help. I don’t know how anyway. I’m just trying to get a relationship with my Dad that cuts out the lies and deception (I didn’t want any of you involved). I know that Derek has advised you, and I know he’s a priest, but his reaction to this ‘elephant’ has been less than stellar and quite defensive and biased . It’s just – I look at your disappearance from my life and the complete lack of communication, and I wonder, what is the fruit in this? (…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.. Gal 5:22-23.) I was talking to my friend Jennifer in B.C. about this actually, and it was she who asked me that question about this situation with you, when I told her I didn’t know what the fruit was, but that you were trying to live biblically and obeying your husband, and she said but if its biblical, where is the fruit seen in what she’s doing?
The more famous scripture about submitting to your husband (note; not ‘obey’, but ‘submit’ – sometimes mistaken when paraphrasing.) Ephesians 5:22 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. ) assumes that the man is the spiritual head of the household. And, it also asks the man to love his wife as Christ loved the church (sacrificially). And in regards to if your husband is not a believer, (1 Peter 3:1-2 1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. ) I question the purity of disowning your sister, brother- in-law and nephews. And of with-holding your kids from family that loves and cherishes them. From my seat, it doesn’t look like pure behaviour that will win over your husband. But again, I don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes.
March 13, 2009
I don’t really know if there is any point to my response to this letter. It’s all just telling you how I’m feeling about stuff, and I’m not sure that that is of any relevance to you. I know that Sis’ Hubby thinks I made that up about Dad. I don’t know what you think. And to hear the argument that you don’t want me seeing your kids b/c I might make up something about them (if that’s still the argument)… I am jaw-dropped shocked. It doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t know what could be made up about them.
The only sense I make of it is that the psychologist who supervised Wanda, the same Psychologist who Pat Reid recommended I see (an expert in child abuse therapy), told me that in endeavouring on this path to reconcile with Dad, I risked losing my entire family because statistically the family rallies around the abuser because they don’t want to affect the status quo. So they will ostracize the victim so that they can deny the event. If the victim continues to push forward and not play by the family rules (denial) then they’re out. I told her that was fine if that’s what happened (I didn’t think it would!) but that it would be better than living w/ the current situation of denial and secrecy and pent up anger that stemmed from this hidden underground volcano.
And also, everyone uses the terminology Lala ‘accused’ Dad of this thing… but I never “accused” him. If I’d wanted to “accuse him” I could have gone to all of you first and done the politicking to get you all on my side. I wasn’t the one who brought this into the open with the family. Mum had wanted me and Dad to see a counsellor due to all our relationship tensions (which I wasn’t going to do w/out addressing the route cause of everything!), and so I went to great effort to find a counsellor who didn’t know mum or Dad so that no one who knew them would hear this. If I was trying to ruin Dad, I certainly would have done things differently and not gone to him privately! So, when I hear the theory that I might make something up about your kids… Sigh. If nothing else I am an honest woman. I am down to earth, say it like it is, honest person. (in stark contrast to all of the deceptions and lies and ‘don’t tell your mother’s that have come from our father’s lips!)
I don’t know if you and Sis’ Hubby ever want to have us in your lives. We’d certainly like that. (Well, to be honest, Dan is feeling very protective of me and James and hesitant towards our family in light of how the family has treated me – and he would just as well see me not venture back in since it risks being hurt again – however, he has always said that it’s my family and he will be supportive of anything I desire.) (Actually, even when I first told him about the abuse – I’d waited until I knew how serious we were and that he was about to propose (or maybe just after he’d proposed.. I forget ), and I wanted him to know in case it changed his mind about me, in case he thought I was unclean – he reacted quite well and just held me and told me how much he loved me and I was really scared that he wouldn’t be able to hang out with Dad anymore, that he would be cold towards him, but he said then, and acted accordingly since, that he would be whatever I needed and if I wanted to have a relationship with Dad then, he would too. And he was always nice and respectful to Dad. Still is when we see him, b/c that’s what I need and its not about his preferences, but about me).
I lost my point.. I was getting to saying that we would, I especially would, like to have Mark and Luke in our lives. I can accept any conditions to make that happen: Supervised visits; My promise to never be alone w/ them; I could walk out of a room if they came in and no-one was there; Visits only in public place;. Leaving a cell phone on connected to your home phone so you could listen in at will;. I realize in writing this how pathetic it sounds. And demoralizing. If I didn’t care so much for them, and miss them so much, I wouldn’t even think of suggesting these things. But, I won’t let pride get in my way. I just love them, and I miss them, and I want to be part of their lives, anyway that I can. Even if we could just attend their games. So, I know I’m begging, but after 2 years of not seeing them, I feel like I would never forgive myself if I gave them up without even trying. I don’t want them asking me in 10 years why I didn’t even try to see them. So, that’s why I’m begging and that’s why I don’t want to just roll over and accept that I can’t see them without even trying. I remember how sad they were when we thought we were moving to
As for your relationship with James, I think it really too bad that he isn’t seeing his Aunt and Uncle with whom I’m sure he’d love to spend time with. And I do mean both of you. James takes really keenly to men, probably b/c he has such a good relationship w/ Dan (who plays tirelessly w/ James!). He hugged our construction worker the first time he met him – clung to his leg! We don’t get babysitters often, but when we do I think it’s too bad that you guys aren’t just watching him, thinking you’d probably all enjoy the time together. He’s a lot of fun to play with, I’m sure you’d both like it as much as him.
Love, Smiles and Sunshine always,
Sis J
May 21, 2009
Sorry that this letter took me 3 months to write. My life has been hectic, however, its on my list of things to do before the twins come… I didn’t think I’d leave it quite this late… just hours before being induced. But, I do want to get this letter out. Having re-read it again today…. I almost just want to write you a 1 para letter without all the re-cap and “getting into things” and jus ask your intentions so that I can just know for once and for all if I should keep you in my thoughts and keep energy invested towards you and perhaps have you entering stage left at some point, or if you’ve just left the theatre completely and I should not spend any more thoughts on you. If you’re out for good, then I’d like to know that so that I can move on and have some closure. And if you’re not, then I’m happy to invest more energy.
Anyway… I’ve got lots to do in the next hour, so ready or not, this letter is done!! And I’ll send it later this evening or tomorrow (if the hospital has internet).
Love Lala
July 14, 2009
Okay, so, I didn’t send the letter – things got a little busy when I got to the hospital and my mind was firmly on other things! (duh! How could I have thought otherwise!) I guess to recap, I just want to know where you’re at. I’d like my children to know their Aunt and Uncle and cousins. I’d like to know my nephews. I’d like to know if there is any hope of that. There is nothing else I can do but tell you the door is open. If you guys are waiting for me to recant my ‘story’ – well, it won’t happen. It took me this many years to speak truth, I’m not going to backpeddle.
I think the saddest thing is that the children are missing out. James had such a lovely time with all of his Aunties and his cousin on Dan’s side, and still talks about them weeks later, and asks to pray for them at grace. Its so ironic that the only Aunt who won’t see him is the one who lives 5 minutes away. And I think he’s missing out, and its not his fault, he’s a blameless innocent casualty. And I wonder about Mark and Luke and what they are taking from this. Without me you still have Derek left, but if they take this precedent and disown the other when they’re adults – they’ve got no-one. And I worry that they don’t know how much I still love them, and that we still think about them, talk about them and pray for them. And have really old pictures of them on our fridge. And as for Thomas and Andrew, well, they’re just perfect little precious bundles of joy and they have no idea. But if they ever do meet you, it’ll be weird that you didn’t know them from the beginning. I already think it’s weird that for James, he doesn’t even know you – he’s so funny and lively and sweet (just yesterday after my shower he said “Mummmmmy!! Hair! Nice!!”) – and I think its weird that you have no idea who he is and probably wouldn’t recognize him if you passed him in a playground. However, its all your choice and for my part, I guess I just want you back. If I can’t get you back, then I at least want my nephews back, and I at least want my kids to have you. And if none of that is possible, then I just want closure so I can mourn and move on. I’ll just have to wait until your kids are of legal age to invite them into our lives. And when my kids are old enough to call or write, they can seek you out if they want to.
May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be always with you.
Love Lala
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